St. Viagras Dance
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The human brain can be a remarkable thing, depending upon whose head it happens to reside in. Some people have a brain that works like a powerful computer, taking in raw data and processing it until it is transformed into technically coherent terms. Other peoples brains work like a Sledge-O-Matic. Information is set in front of them like a helpless watermelon, then their brain beats the hell out of it until its reduced to a mushy mess they can understand.
My brain is like a camera, and I dont mean that it works best when its loaded. My brain processes information much like a Polaroid One-Step processes film. My ears hear what someone is saying, then my brain takes that information and develops a mental picture of it. Granted, its often a paint-by-the-numbers mental picture, but you get the idea.
Ordinarily, this is not such a bad thing, but lately lve had an awful lot of pictures being developed in my head that Id really rather not see. Mainly, pictures of old people having, you know... sex.
Dont get me wrong, theres nothing wrong with old people having sex. In fact, I hope to be old myself one day and will probably enjoy sex if I can manage to stay awake. But for now, mental images of elderly couples doing "you-know-what" kind of makes me wince. Maybe its because I saw my Granny Boozie naked once and never quite recovered from it. There are just some things a six-year old boy shouldnt be exposed to. Eighty-year old naked ladies being high on the list. Not that theres anything wrong with eighty-year old naked ladies... I mean... uh oh, pictures are starting to develop... anybody have a Sledge-O-Matic I can borrow?
Let me toss out this roll of mental film and start over because the last thing I want to do is get myself in hot water with the NAARP for making snide remarks and not-so-subtle innuendo about the sex lives of our senior citizens. Were all adults here and most of us would agree that given the choice between a good, swift kick in the behind and a nice leisurely roll in the hay, we would choose the latter every time. Well, everyone except for Marvin from Montgomery, who has indicated on more than one occasion that he would gladly take both in no particular order.
Marvin, for the last time, man, get some help. As my Grampa Merle used to say, "Son, you just aint right."
Fact is, some of my favorite people are old people. We seem to have a lot in common, like the same energy level and low tolerance for young people. Take my seventy-year-old aunt, Rilla, a former juke joint waitress who claims to have had torrid affairs in the 1950s with both Vernon Presley and Little Jimmy Dickens. She now spends her days playing cards with her girlfriends at the Senior Center and talking about how few really good old men there are left in the world.
Then theres my uncle, John Knox, the retired factory worker who lost so many fingers working the line at Acme Tire that hes now known as, "Pinky." His wifes name is Pearl. She is his sixth. When Uncle John refers to her, he fondly says, "Now serving number 6!" Pearl retaliates by saying, "Johnny just cant keep his paws off me!"
Children, please. I love you all dearly, but I do not want the mental image of you having sex being printed out on 8x10 sheets in my head. This Foto-Mat is officially closed.
By now, depending on your brain type, youre probably wondering why Im writing a column that focuses on something Id really rather not discuss. No, I havent subscribed to "Swinging Seventy Somethings" magazine, nor have I been exposed to marathon "Golden Girls" episodes (Bea Arthur looks too much like my Uncle John to be sexy). All Ive been doing is watching the TV news and reading the newspaper and browsing the internet. You cant swing a dead cat these days without hitting an old couple talking about having, you know...
And whats the reason for all this senior spunk? The new impotency drug Viagra, which claims to put the bullets back into a mans gun, if you know what I mean. Pfizer, the maker of Viagra, insists that their product is for men of all ages with impotency problems, not just the elderly. But judging from the media coverage this drug has received and the focus of its affects on men over sixty-five, the marketing slogan could be: "Viagra, its like crack for old folks!"
Youve seen the interviews on the TV news magazines. They always feature a nice older couple who live in Arizona or Florida. The mans name is usually Leo or Irv, the wife is Jean or Lois. Jean is shown sitting dutifully beside Leo as he speaks. She squeezes his hand and sniffs a bit when he tells of his years of plumbing problems. And when he finally reveals that, yes, he tried Viagra and, yes, it did work as promised, Jean blushes and slaps his hand. Then she says, "And I cant wait for him to take another pill!"
Wait till Aunt Pearl hears about this. And the pictures begin to form...
Even famous couples are doing St. Viagras Dance. Among them, former senator and Republican presidential candidate, Bob Dole and his wife Elizabeth (who is much better looking than Bea Arthur). Turns out, Bobby Boy took part in the Viagra testing trials. Dole told Larry King last week, "It is a great drug. Ill be honest, I was in the protocol and participated in the program." |
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