Beanie Babies Anonymous
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A wise man once said, "If you ignore something long enough, eventually it will go away." Actually, he said it several times, but nobody listened so he left.
That old saw is one reason Ive never done a column on Beanie Babies. I thought that if I could just resist the urge to poke fun and ignore their existence long enough, they would eventually go the way of Cabbage Patch Dolls and Tickle Me Elmos. Of course, ignoring them didnt work and I should have known better. Ive been ignoring my kids for years and theyre still around, standing right outside the bathroom door, pounding on it, asking me what Im reading in there. My oldest caught me looking at the newspaper on the front porch the other day and asked if I shouldnt be doing that in private. I think its time to talk boarding school. Russian boarding school. But first, comrade, back to the subject at hand.
I think Beanie Babies are cute, cuddly little creatures, and I will admit to having spent a few of my hard- earned dollars on Beanies for my baby girl to play with (I can hear many of you screaming, "Theyre not meant to be played with!"). But never have I sat outside a McDonalds at two in the morning waiting for it to open so I could get an Egg McMuffin and a Teenie Beanie to go. And I apologize in advance if I insult anyone, but I think people who go to such great lengths to buy a childs toy need help. And thats what this column is all about.
You see, my sister, a normally sane, rational human being, is awash in the Beanie Baby craze. She has tiny synthetic pellets racing through her veins and they are starting to affect every facet of her life. She is the reason I am willing to break my vow of ignorance and speak out against these demons in plush clothing. The thought of her sitting outside a Hallmark store at three in the morning staring blindly at a dog- eared copy of "The Beanie Baby Bible" just sends chills down my spine. The woman needs help, my friends, and I am willing to take on the task at hand.
So, to help my dear sister and the millions of others who have fallen under the spell of Beanie Baby mania, I am officially founding Beanie Babies Anonymous, an organization dedicated to helping you just say no to Beanie Babies. BBA will follow a simple 4-step program designed to help even the most severely- addicted junkie kick his/her Beanie Baby habit.
Here are the 4 steps of BBA. Follow them to the letter and soon your life will be yours to live again:
Step 1)
Admit you have a problem: The first step in any recovery program is admitting that you have a problem. Here are the three warning signs of Beanie Baby Addiction. If you can relate to at least one of them, you are a Beanie Baby Junkie.
(1) You would willingly camp out all night outside a McDonalds in the highest crime district in town just to be the first in line on Teenie Beanie day.
(2) You have no qualms about snatching Beanie Babies from the hands of little children and if it makes them cry, well tough patootie! And
(3) If you cant swing a dead cat (is there a dead cat Beanie?) anywhere in your house without hitting a display of Beanie Babies, you have a problem. A big problem.
Step 2)
Admit that your addiction is harmful to others: Youve probably been too busy feeding that Beanie Baby monkey on your back to notice that the rest of your life has gone to pot. Your addiction not only affects you, but those closest to you. Have your children moved in with relatives because you forgot to fix dinner eighteen nights in a row because you were busy dusting the tags in your Beanies ears? Did you angrily take the family dog to the pound and order them to "Gas the SOB!" just because he growled at your Princess Di Beanie Bear? Have you been served with divorce papers that contain the phrase "refuses to consummate marriage because it would disturb Happy the Hippos nap?" If so, you owe everyone you know a big apology, especially your dog, God rest his soul.
Step 3)
Cast the snake from the garden: This is perhaps the most difficult, yet most important mile marker on the road to recovery. This is where you rid your life of the furry, little monsters that have almost driven you to the point of no return. Follow my directions to the letter and do it quickly, without thinking, because if you stop to think about what youre doing, your addiction will take the upper hand and you will be lost again. With that in mind, here is the biggest step you must take: Box up every Beanie Baby you own, especially Peanut the Elephant and Brownie the Bear, and send them to me, Tim Knox, Director of Beanie Babies Anonymous, in care of this website. Send me your kids Beanie Babies, too! I will take these vile creatures and dispose of them for you free of charge so that they will never infect the lives of normal people again. Dont forget, box them up and send them to me as soon as possible. I guarantee that both our lives will be enriched. |
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